My battle scars

Ever since i was 12, i already had thoughts of suicide. I would sit to myself and think of ways to end my life by any means possible... I wanted an escape.... and escape from this hell hole i call home.. years past and i seem to have better control over this suicidal rage... and the self-mutilation stopped for awhile.

2 years later, as problems arise; family feuds became more rampen and i grew weak from solitude..my desire to hurt myself came back...

For awhile, i have kept it from the world.. thinking that i was completely alone and no one would want to be bothered with my problems till my friends first found out. Ivy, was the first.. It felt good... someone knowing and wanting to share my pain.. but the burden of my story would only annoy them further.

Everyone has problems.. what makes mine any different? Why should i bother another person who already have enough problems on their hands. She offered me a shoulder to lean on... an ear to listen..... i refused.

Later on, many others found out about it.... and not to my surprise.. they just advised me not to do it again and then went on with their lives. It is no surprise to me that people would not want to bud in into another person's problem. But later... My love..Johari... he was a friend when he first found out my problem... he just advised me not to repeat it.. and made me promise not to repeat it...and threatened me ...that if i were to repeat it... he would cut himself too..

I would never want another person to bear my burden... it was already hard enough to see my sister using the same methods i used for emotional relieve... and i could do nothing to stop it... as i have no credibility.....


I love my sister... it hurt me to see her using those methods... and i know that must be how Johari felt when he saw me...

Today... 11/12/12... I had a rough day... and my mom's temper made me flip... It was an accumulated feeling of rage, despair and emotional distress.... I had been trying to calm Johari down from his lack of self worth for me and letting him know that i love him... He still believes that he is not worth to be mine... I struggle seeing him upset day by day... i miss him being confident... happy... cheerful.... those were my happiest moments with him.. but things i say... everything i say for that matter... seem to only shock him and upset him... i struggle with his emotional ups and downs... and i feel as though he wont let me in... to understand him...

I've been struggling with that for a week and with my parent's yelling and non stop scolding... i just couldn't take it anymore....


I saw a blade... lying on my desk.. just sitting there.... i picked it up and i felt good... like i was going to have control back ..... i slide it open and moved it closer to my hand...
I knew... that i would be breaking a promise... i knew .... this was going to hurt Johari.... but i couldn't take it.... at that same time.... he was busy with something... so i couldn't talk to him about it.....

I'm not intending for this to be his fault.... it is completely mine...i just couldn't resist that temptation... i thought to myself..... 1 cut... that's all... but after the first slice.... i just kept going... amazed at the sharpness of the blade i just kept going.....

Later in the afternoon... the guilt and stinging pain overwhelmed me and i started to feel bad about what i did.... i confessed to him... and ... he got scared...

he later came to my house with a face so filled with anger.... i could not get through to him... i felt ... judged..

i felt that without him knowing what it was about... he just judged me for what i did.... i felt pain .... like i was labled...like i was a useless person.... i still cannot rid the image of his face in my mind.... those piercing eyes.. that glare.... it made me so weak.. and vulnerable... i knew .... this would end badly...

He told me to show him the scars... and i refused.... he grabbed my arm and pulled the sleeves off and after one look at it... he threw my hand down like a piece of scrap paper... he violently sat down with rage.. yelling at me why i would do such a thing.... i was just so stunned... i just couldn't say anything.... the gentle man that i knew... became so aggressive over this matter...

All i could do ... was sit there... and tear.... i felt like ... he just wouldn't want to understand... i don't blame him. This isn't a matter easily understood... i just wished he could have taken the time to calmly understand what i am going through.....

I just walked off in to the kitchen apologizing to him... that i was such a mess... he grabbed me by the arms and told me... that i broke the promise... and he would go and cut himself..

That was the last thing i'd ever want to hear.... i was already hurting .... and he just said something like that with such ease....

All i wanted.... was someone.....to just.... hug me..... to feel the support that someone was willing to give me ..... but he just threatened me... and raised his voice...

I felt inferior.... and just wanted it to end....he made it seem like this was a choice.... to intentionally hurt myself... like it was a simple decision of whether to turn on or off the lights...

i felt disconnected... i felt left out.... i felt judged... by the very man i loved...


I do seek a way to solve this issue... i really do... at this moment... the last thing i'd want ......is to be judged....

It is 1:04am 12/12/12... as i'm typing this... tears are rolling down my eyes... like gentle dewdrops falling from a leaf.... the pain i'm feeling from this.... cant be explained... i feel so weak and numb...


But i now know.... there are some things ......i just cant tell him... despite promises... If he would take the time to understand.....and empathize ...... it could have been so different now.....


To all those people who are indulging in self-mutilation.... i can understand how you feel.... i can empathize.... i want to stop... but this pain just wants to make me go further....

Some soldiers have gun shot wounds, burnt skin and even limb amputations... these are their battle scars that remind them of the pain and suffering the faced in the war they fiercely fought in and survived...Self-mutilations are my battle scars of the war i fight within myself......... and the my pain is increasing immensely....