Rebooting

It has been about a month now since i went to the therapist and was diagnosed with major depression disorder and it seemed like knowing i had that... was making my life worst.

Recently, my dad got so upset he blew up and yelled at me for not doing some of my basic chores.. little did i know...he was just upset that i was down...

He told me that he's sick of seeing me down all the time, especially when he is down himself.. He said " Why do you only think for yourself? Why can't you see your father needs some cheering up too?! Cant you just snap out of it and get it together??!"

Those words.. they stuck onto me like blunt nails being hammered through my chest.. I was so hurt.. I felt.. despite of my condition.. despite of everything i did for him...despite all the pain i am silently going through... for once in my fucking life... i am finally letting these feelings out with no fear.... sadly.. it wasn't acceptable....

My mother added.. that having depression isn't a big deal.. many go through it.. she even said these exact words " Na, brother john had depression and even Alan had depression; apparently having depression isn't a big thing. So Na, don't think like you're something special ok? because so many people have it too" and she added "Na, enough of all this moping around! get back to reality! All of us have problems too! don't think you're the only one with problems! I have so much problems right now! Definitely worse than yours! So just STOP it!!!"

......

I'm so tired..

I'm so emotionally exhausted...

I just did what the therapist told me.. to express myself and have "me" thoughts....So at least "I" am in control with what i do.....


It backfired.... so hard....


My parent's both hated that i was gloomy all the time... my siblings cant really stand it either...and Johari...


To Johari... pouring out how i feel... seems to always be misunderstood...and we'd always end up arguing...



When is this all going to end?......


From 10th of March, i have decided... i will stop all this...

I will stop expressing... i will stop all the emotional pouring....i will stop sharing....I will stop crying....I will stop cutting....I will stop feeling..


I will do what people want..I will do what makes people happy... even... if it kills me inside....


I'm just gonna fill my time and fill my mind...

So i wont have to think of how "I" would feel anymore...


Sayang... if you're reading this... I'm sorry... I cant let you be the person i cry to anymore...
I know my problems is so small to you.. my problems are so simple and i make it a big deal all the time...
I'm sorry.... That's all gonna stop from now...


Guess here's to crying alone in carparks and my bedroom once more...