After attending what seems to be the last session of counselling with May, i came home... to find myself different..
I was told i had a condition called Codependency. This is by definition "living for others" or from the original concept of the "adult child syndrome".
This means i would put people's thoughts and favors before mine, so much so it is an addiction to help. It has a tendency of searching for people to help fix, looking for acceptance.
And all of this is due to my lack of self worth.
After reading about it...i found that this may be the entire reason... the ultimate reason and answer to why i cut.. why i'm depressed and why i have a problematic and sensitive personality.
As soon as i got it.. i wanted to rush home to talk to Johari about it... unfortunately.. our happy day talk didn't start too well.... i was still depressed from the night before and with addition from the crying in my session... i just wanted a comforting touch to secure me that i'll be fine...
despite saying and practically begging....
all he said was "all i wanted was a hug at the beginning"
This made me so terribly sad... i felt so secondary.... but after hours of talking, we managed to get ourselves back together...
"Relationship addiction.. falling for a person who's emotionally damaged and that are not capable of real intimacy and with whom codependent people feel the urge to care for this person, to love this person to help change this person in hopes that one day, the codependent will receive the love and acknowledgement the we lacked in the past. However, when love is not met; you are incapable of breaking free but instead fall in deeper to retrieve that lost love you hunger for"
These words.. they just made me so aware of what i am..
I couldn't understand why
but it felt so relate-able...
Soon after, i got home and told my mom about it....
no surprise.. she said
"don't you think your counsellor is going overboard? giving you disorders after disorders; problems after problems. Cant you fix this yourself? Y'know sometimes ignorance really is bliss.."
They really drove a hole into my heart...
i didn't want to listen to her.. but it somehow felt true again....
and again.... i just couldn't help but agree.....
I'm on my own... no parent's to sit and try to empathize
wont want to stress my boyfriend in hoping that he can understand my position...
no friends to dump my problems to and hope that they can understand....
and finally....
not counselor to guide me through this.....
all alone from now on...
get use to it...
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