Take the pain away

I often ask myself "why...Why do i enjoy harming myself?"

the answer

is simple

To remove what ever pain or "override" the pain that i'm going through emotionally.

I was called self-centered, selfish, unreasonable and useless.

words that seem to get stuck in my head when facing emotional distress at times like this.

I never could understand how some people whom i've trusted and believed in could simply betray me.

I was told to write my emotions whenever i face them in a blog, in hopes that it will sooth my aching heart. However, i do believe that that person, wouldn't enjoy what he's about to read.

It boggles me how some people in frustration could say something so harmful that would effect the listener so deeply. These words that pierce through my soul like shattered glass slowly piercing its way through skin as thick of a mammoth. Slow and painful every move made seem to make it pierce even deeper. "you are growing to be more and more like your mother" he says. These words will never leave my mind and it shall be brought with me to my grave. These powerful and also bitter words are not painful if spoken by another, but by my own father. I can never repair the damage of these words that has been done to my heart. My father, a person whom i've trusted and believed to be the wises man I've known, to have thrown a blunt dagger with the aim to my heart. My cries earlier seem to agitate him even more.

I soon resume my daily routine by going for my classes and spending the day with my friends who have cheered my up and had my mind off what i had went through in the morning for awhile. Later at home, as always i greeted my mother as she arrived home with my brother. I made her smile by telling her how the cats was so happy she was home. She later asked me if i had eaten her "fried rice" she had made me early in the morning. I was completely baffled, i had honestly not seen the food she had prepared for me and i admitted my sincerest apology. She didn't take it too lightly. She resumes her everyday self of stating how i hate her food and insult her for not eating it. She then proceeds to take the food from me and started to cry. I walked up to her and apologize again, but my apology only fell on deaf ears. She wouldn't listen and understand that it was a simple an honest mistake. I had honestly not seen the food. She now continues to watch her television like every night waiting for my father to come home and add on the bitterness to already devastated me.

I am just waiting and preparing myself for the pain that i know is coming.

Like every family, i reckon there are ups and downs. Recently i had fought with my brother on how little respect i had from him, but he showed me even more disrespect which from now i have pledged to treat him only as a housemate. I have no further relationship with him until the day he has learnt respect. For some reason my parent' side with him and his behaviour. Which led me to an even more helpless stage. I am trying to help with my brother's development but all they can see what i do is attack him. After all that I've portrayed from my childhood to now is that I would go to the extremes for my family even if it will kill me. For them to think this way of me only proves to me of how much they know me.

At times like this i often hurt myself (never attempt suicide) to make me feel that physical pain is even more drastic than emotional pain. However, physical pain only last a few minutes. Then i resort to even more drastic pain that will last longer. As a psych major i think i should know better than to resort to this, but ....what choice do i have? what can i do? I'm just an emotionally lost child hoping and praying for a caring hand to guide me back to my path.

I need a person to let me know if i have been wrong, stupid or childish with my statements. I really want to know if all that's happening is because of me. Have i done something to create this atmosphere of hate around me? Have i portrayed myself as a spoilt little brat who's only begging for attention. Please. Help me. I've gone through pain like this when i was much younger and i thought it has all finally stopped but somehow it seems to come back and haunt me.